No Apologies.

I’ve not written in a while. Or at least not completed anything but this week has been a tough one. I’ve struggled a lot with my emotions and state of mind. My usual go to is to blame my hormones and 80% of the time it most likely is the culprit.

But I’ve done a lot of dissecting both internally and using my sounding boards (close friends and Chris). I’ve come to the conclusion that actually I can’t blame my hormones (myself) for how I’m feeling all the time.

And this time, it’s the actions of others that have had an adverse affect on me and left me feeling like utter shit. So I’m giving my hormones a reprieve. Yes the tears may have been more free flowing because of them but ultimately its others that have left me with a fuck tonne of self-doubt.

Sticks and stones haven’t touched me but those words said to me/behind my back have definitely hurt and angered me. I’m not a bad person, in the slightest. I’m only human and not remotely perfect, shock-fucking-horror.

I genuinely thought I was past giving a shit about what others thought and learned not to care what people said about me for a really long time. Yet lately I’ve been dragged back into the filthy abyss of school children-like antics which has left me feeling like the 14 year old fat unwanted friend again.

Too often we’re so quick to blame ourselves for when others make us feel bad. We’re conditioned to think it must be our flaw and it’s something we have to fix. But really some people just act like dicks and project their insecurities onto us in a bid to make themselves feel better. Consciously or not, it’s massively wank to be on the receiving end.

It’s happened before and I’ve no doubt it’ll likely happen again. I deal with it in whatever way I feel is best depending on the situation. I either cut them off straight away or phase them out gradually. It’s whatever makes me feel better because I have to put myself first.

To those feelings. To all the crappy scenarios and situations I’ve been unwillingly dragged into. To those that have done the dragging.

Fuck. It. Fuck. You. I’m done.

To marry or not to marry..?

Folks, I’ve not posted anything in 10 months. I had an hiatus, but my desire to write has reared its inky head again and I can’t possibly push it back between the pages. I’m going to continue to post my drafts. This one has some edits because it was a rough draft.

‘To marry or not to marry, should we pop the question?

I keep reading articles about people who are married and then a year down the line proclaim it gets so much harder. Now I may be being naïve but how could it honestly change that much?

If you’ve been with someone for a few years and lived with them, then there can’t be many more surprises once you make it legal surely?

I read a comment on Instagram, which said that being married which makes breaking up so much harder. Which it would financially, but that doesn’t lessen the heartache surely? Breaking up with someone you’ve shared everything with, married or not, would not be easy.

I’ve thought about this quite a bit, not because I want to end my relationship, but because I’m getting married later this year.

I found it so bizarre reading this article that there were surprises once you’re married and unforeseen difficulties, but surely you have those no matter where you are in your relationship? There will always be something that pops up that’ll create a bump in the road. But surely if you’ve lived together or have been through some sort of situation where it really pushed you to the limits then I genuinely don’t understand where anything can change.”

That’s as far as that draft goes. I got married in September and it’s March so we’re almost at 6 months of being married. I can honestly say so far, yes it hasn’t been that long, so good.

I stand by this, if you’re a strong couple then a little thing like marriage shouldn’t change anything. Also in a lot of cases, dare I say the majority of marriages, the ‘surprises’ mentioned in the article are usually ironed out before marriage. Because people tend to live together first, the little annoyances, being good with money, fluctuating sex life etc is something you go through anyway, marriage doesn’t make that happen. The author of that article may have had different views about living together before marriage but is it not the 21st Century?

From experience when you’ve been together for a good chunk of time (6 years), been through 2 major bereavements, moved cities, changed jobs (three times in my case) etc but you can still laugh about stupid stuff and love each other no matter what, then marriage really isn’t that big a step. In fact it’s brought us closer, we are on the same page <insert another idiom at will>  about what we want long-term. The little annoyances which of course are there and occur on a regular basis because we’re human and we’re annoying. Are the same annoyances that were there before, they’re just less of a big deal. We bicker or on the rare occasion argue (properly) with the best of them, but it’s forgotten fairly quickly and we’ll go back to drinking tea and watching Grey’s Anatomy. Sure we’d more than likely be exactly the same if we hadn’t got married but that show of commitment, for us, has slotted in one more piece.

We’re all entitled to our view and opinions and these are my own. But if given the choice I would get married again (to Chris, or ya know Jeffrey Dean Morgan) if for nothing more so that I can, try to at least, remember the ceremony.

X

(Photo credit: Rob Harris)

Poem #1

 

You taste of smoke and me

Your stubble, when you kiss me scratches

and makes my lips swollen and sore

In the the best possible way.

 

The feel of your hand

as it journeys it’s way across floral terrain.

Slipping underneath to caress my favourite silk.

You set off mini explosions

that tingle between my thighs, in the pit of my stomach.

Wrestling the breathe out of my lungs, I exhale

as you explore further.

 

This frantic act, is made all the more exciting.

We’re exposed. Our friends chattering in the near distance.

My hand runs across taut denim. Denim that traps you

as you resist the ultimate urge.

 

I am putty in your hands as I give in.

I spring away from you when the chattering

gets too close.

You continue to explore as we stagger ahead,

oblivious to everyone.

Our own bubble surrounding us.

A bubble of explosive, wet, rough desire.

 

X

(I wrote this 6 years ago. This was the rough draft found in a notebook. The actual version is hidden on a hard drive I’m too lazy to seek out)

 

Raw. No edits.

I’ve been all over the place of late. I’ve not been able to figure out why I’ve been so emotional. Why I’ve not been able to feel strong, together and in control as I normally do. I’d normally turn to some form of exercise but even that’s been lacking of late.( and probably not helping the matter as it’s one extra pressure) I’ve cried a lot more than normal, which is usually very little and not been able to sleep.

I’ve berated myself for being emotional and feeling weak. For not being able to hold it together at work when I’ve been in much more stressful situations previously. This self criticism hasn’t helped with my overall well-being and state of mind. I’ve been comparing myself to people who I see day to day and wonder why I  can’t be more like them. People who hold it together more, don’t show their emotions so much and just seem to have life sorted.

I then tell myself that appearances are deceptive. I might seem from the outside that I’m very together and confident.(most of the time) But  no-one sees the other side where I can’t leave the house because I hate how I look, or I feel so insecure I feel sick leaving for work.

These past two weeks have been really rough for me. I’ve almost cried twice at work and all the way home one night and for sometime after. I look back and feel daft but I’m working on reminding myself that sometimes you need a good cry to let it all out.One of my favourite tutors at college said it’s okay and it’s no weakness, we all just need a release sometimes. That it’s okay to feel insecure and I’m not everyone else. I am me. I am emotional, I sometimes wear my heart on my sleeve, I’m not very confident at times and sometimes I need a cup of tea and cuddle.

I shouldn’t have to feel the need to apologise for who I am. It’s taken me a really long time to be happy with the person I’ve become. To not feel guilty for not being sociable. To be happy with my own company and knowing my limits. To feel okay with not having hoards of acquaintances, but forming close lasting friendships. I hate this part of myself where I question how I am in certain situations. I am who I am, and I deal with situations in different ways. I shouldn’t chastise myself for not having it together all the time.

Do you hear that Self?

Feel the Fury.

 

fury image I said the other day that I’d post all the half written posts I have loitering in my ‘drafts’ folder. This has been sat here since Oct 2014, it’s about time it saw the light of day. I’m writing this little intro before I read through it. I will try not to edit it, but the urge may over power me somewhat. I’ll let you know how I get on at the end.

‘Film review.

Feel the Fury. I did, and more besides.

I hadn’t prepared myself for the out and out assault this film would have on my emotions. I hadn’t, until that day, left a cinema shaken to my core.

Now this isn’t to say that Fury isn’t a fantastic film. Cinematically it’s visually stunning, I’d like to say it’s accurate to the actual events. However as much as I hold an avid fascination with all things World War Two related, I’m no expert. I do believe that this portrayal of the last few months of the War are accurate, despite the criticism that Hollywood has received in the past for glorifying the part the American Forces played in the war. The raw emotion I felt, leaving the screen is proof to me that passion was poured into the making. I’ve read/heard reviews that Brad Pitt’s role is his best performance yet, and as a part time fan of his, I would agree. He’s done some fantastic films, but this left me speechless.

I decided to compose this after I saw ‘Fury’ a film based so very close to the end of WWII. When I  first heard about it, I was instantly thrilled. I like a good action/war film. I also like Brad Pitt and had read/heard some reviews that it was his best performance yet. I was looking forward to it. Especially to those of you that know me and for those of you that don’t, I am a huge advocate of any medium that revolves around the second World War. Its a subject matter that I can’t get enough of, I never feel like I know enough about it. For me it’s like a gigantic never-ending puzzle that I’m more than happy to spend hours trying to solve.

However I digress, I hadn’t prepared myself for the total onslaught on my emotions that Fury would bring. From the very beginning I felt fear, tension, horror, anger, sadness and despair. Repeat. The story meets the remainder of an American Tank crew amidst the burning carcasses of the rest of their Regiment. At first I thought there’d be an equal mix of downtime where the mood would lighten and it’d be, maybe not quite comical but less intense. I was wrong. This isn’t to say it wasn’t good,’

That’s the point I stopped writing in 2014. There is a section where I repeat myself, I think this was the case of me re-writing a paragraph using phrases I liked. I do that. I’ll write a really good sentence and then have to completely reconstruct the whole paragraph around it. ( I haven’t edited it, just thought you’d like to know but it was really hard not to)

When I originally wrote this I struggled with really expressing the impact Fury had on me, It had such a profound effect, such an effect in fact that I don’t think I will ever watch it again. Chris has watched it again and assured me it’s easier watching it at home, which is understandable as the brutality and gore isn’t projected onto a large screen, you can leave the room for a smoke (him not me) and nurse a glass of whisky.

In short it was one continuous roller coaster ride, and not an enjoyable one, I alternately hid behind my scarf, gripping Chris’ hand wishing it to be over but also reveling in it’s visual mastery.  I liken it to the time I was on a fairground ride and my harness, I’m adamant to this day was faulty. I spent the whole duration gripping the harness to me, gradually slipping out of it with just g-force holding me in. That was the most scared I’ve ever. I genuinely feared for my life and when I got off I was green apparently. So yes, I liken the experience of watching Fury to thinking I was going to hit the corrugated steal at high speed from a ride and quite possibly die.

Really I loved it,  in some fucked up way purely because I felt so inconceivably ravaged emotionally and psychologically. I was drained but I still loved it because of the effect it had on me. It’s exactly the same as my love for ‘The Fault in our Stars’ by John Green which left me sobbing on my own late at night with just the dog to mop up my tears and yet I still profess my love for it. 

 I suppose in conclusion any piece of art; film, literature, music or canvas, that evokes such emotion that you struggle to express it in words, is of course, brilliant. 

X

Ramblings, no seriously, utter nonsense.

Hello one and all.

It’s been sometime since I’ve come on here and finished a post. I’ve currently got 8, well 7 drafts. (I just deleted one) and I came across some from a couple of years ago. When I was still working with books and to be blunt I was fucking miserable. I could feel the contempt oozing from the page and I remember the frustration and the misery from the few short paragraphs.

I didn’t publish it at the time because just writing some of it down helped ease the pressure in my head and my chest but I along with that I was too afraid that someone I worked with would see it and it’d be deemed unprofessional or something along those lines.

I did briefly contemplate publishing it just now, in it’s half naked glory, but decided against it. I’m no longer afraid, but it’s in the past, it was horrible at the time and I lived through it (and I also see the bigger picture now and realise it wasn’t for me). I learned a lot from that part of my life but it took it’s toll.

I constantly bring myself up short, question a lot of what I say /have said and run over how I may have been perceived. It can take up a lot of time and energy so now I’m trying to find a balance where I’m still ‘Ellie’ but I don’t berate myself up over silly little things that I’ve said/have been said to me. It does seem as though I’ve been knocked back to being 14 again. That thick skin I’d done so well on building up is resembling a grazed knee after it hits tarmac for the first time.

I can feel myself going off on a tangent right now but I’m rolling with it. I think I know the point I’m making and this is it:

There are experiences you have in your life that affect you a hell of a lot more than you realise at the time and it’s only when you’re out of them that it hits you. For me being in a position I honestly wasn’t ready for or cut out for railroaded my confidence. Made me question ‘me’ as a whole person. I got some of that back but my love for the company was tarnished and no amount of polish could bring it back. I saw the ugly side to it and I couldn’t un-see it and I stopped believing in it. So I left for good.

I’ll not go into too much detail but the job I left for was horrible, for the 3 months I was there, there wasn’t a day that went by where I didn’t feel nauseous going into work to the point where one morning I couldn’t move from the sofa. I was in such a state it took all my effort to get out of the front door. I still shudder at the memory.

But thankfully a very good friend of mine came to the rescue and I got my current job about 3 weeks later. Definitely the best decision I’ve made since moving to Sheffield.

It hadn’t occurred to me until recently how much a job can affect your happiness. I said for such a long time oh it’s just work and if it pays the bills… Personally that didn’t cut it. You spend the vast majority of your time at work, you do need to enjoy it, both the people and the job itself.

I  didn’t intend for this to be about jobs; for the past 5 months that’s all I seem to have talked about. So that’s me stopping talking about work, for now.

What I will  do is review my drafts and get them posted. I’m aiming for in the next week. I’ll not set myself a definite date, I’ll most likely forget or find myself watching Game of Thrones or something. I’ll do my darndest though!

Keep an eye out kids.

X

 

3.5 Reasons why

There’s a new role up for grabs at work and I’d like to be considered for it, its for a role on the Social Media team and I figured what better way to showcase my attributes than via Social Media? It sounds like the type of job I’d really enjoy customer service (10 years and still going) combined with Social Media, aka writing. Two of the things I pride myself most in.

Here are my 3.5 reasons why I believe I am a great candidate for this role;

  1. The personal touch goes a long way. I’m fully aware of the importance of targets and the need to have them in all business sense, however what I’ve learned in 10 years of customer service is that showing a little bit of personality goes a long way. Providing a service to the general public has boundaries I agree, however the general public and our Members are people and I always put myself in their position and consider how I’d like to be treated. A little joke and going slightly off-script didn’t hurt anyone. Quidco is a fun and engaging company to work for, I know we would benefit from this if our Members saw this side all the time as well. I enjoy talking to people and being able to engage with them via Social Media platforms and having the opportunity to help create and advertise effective promotions to enable to company to grow is something I find incredibly exciting.
  2. I’m an avid Twitterer. I’m on Twitter everyday, it’s the first thing I check in the morning (and the last thing I check at night). It doesn’t fail to amaze me how pervasive the influence of Social Media is on everyday life. It’s becoming ever popular and easier to contact companies/organisations via Twitter and Facebook than it is the standard ways. You’re more likely to get a speedy response and it’s more personalised (back to the personal touch). The vast majority of people are perpetually attached to their phones and by default the rest of the world. Being part of a pro-active team to reach those people and utilise such a popular platform by recognising and seizing opportunities to broaden the reach of the business would be a really positive experience and I know I would give it my all.
  3. I love writing. I love words, I love the English language. To be able to use this creatively everyday would be a step in the right direction for me personally, but I believe my passion for it would provide a positive and dynamic addition to the team.

(3.5) This should technically be number four and possibly the most important, however that could mess up the aesthetic of the post. I’m incredibly conscientious and I’ll always make sure I do a thorough job. Particularly when making sure I have the right information to begin with, making sure that the Members we’re talking to have their queries answered correctly initially  which means we’ll leave a great impression and they’ll continue using Quidco. I’m the biggest advocate of team work, and picking up the slack and the pace when it’s needed and communicating at all times. I think this is a great opportunity and one I’d succeed in.

That’s my 3.5 reasons why I’m a great candidate for this role. To the point (as much as I can be).

I’ll update you all soon.